During the long days of a long summer, you have a lot of time in which to think about things, to chew over things of the past, present, or future.
I keep thinking about how things were when I was in "There." It's amazing how hindsight is 20/20. I keep wondering about whether it would have made a difference if I'd have told the truth and been honest. Would they have treated me differently? Kept me there longer? Would I have turned out differently?
For all their poking and prodding, observing, asking of completely stupid questions, and shining flashlights in your face in the middle of the night to see that you're still breathing, it was surprisingly easy to fly under their radar. Though I wouldn't recommend it as it is a really stupid thing to do.
I lied a lot in there. "How are you?" they'd ask. "Fine," I'd relply. What I really thought was, "I wish you'd leave me alone because I feel terrible and want to cry." I'm a terrible liar, so it was a change of pace for them to believe me. I was surprised that they did. Believe me, that is. "Are you done?" they'd ask. "Yup," I'd say. What they didn't see going through my head was, "Yup, I'm done. I dumped most of it down the sink while you weren't looking." I didn't say a lot of things. Of course, I'd never tell any of "those people" that now, because if I were to ever go back...(shudders).
I'm not the type to get a thrill from lying, never liked it much or respected anyone who did it. I think, at the time, I did it all in the name of self-preservation. But then I have to ask myself, would it really have been so bad if I'd have been honest? Would it really have cost so much? Why was I so afraid? Why was I so freaking defensive over something so completely STUPID!? What was it that I thought I would save, or fix, or hide? I think I felt like I had to do it, like it was the only way out. Perhaps I didn't want to be there, didn't want to do what they were making me do. Maybe I didn't want to be stuck with people who would forget your name a week after they met you. I missed my dog. I lied for a lot of reasons, I guess.
I'm not completely sure why I'm writing any of this story down. I'm not known to be an exhibitionist, or an attention-grabber, and none of this was written for that purpose. If anything, I keep to myself, which makes this that much harder to write. Perhaps it's for posterity's sake. Or maybe it's just that I needed to get it out and off my chest, as it had never before been released. It's not meant to incite, or provoke, or sensationalize. It's just something that happened in the past, an event whose outcomes could have been numerous and impactful in a lot of ways. I really do question what things would have been like had I played my cards differently, or had different cards, or just plain played a different game. This is just me sorting it all out, laying it out to gain a better look at all these jumbled thoughts.
I keep thinking about how things were when I was in "There." It's amazing how hindsight is 20/20. I keep wondering about whether it would have made a difference if I'd have told the truth and been honest. Would they have treated me differently? Kept me there longer? Would I have turned out differently?
For all their poking and prodding, observing, asking of completely stupid questions, and shining flashlights in your face in the middle of the night to see that you're still breathing, it was surprisingly easy to fly under their radar. Though I wouldn't recommend it as it is a really stupid thing to do.
I lied a lot in there. "How are you?" they'd ask. "Fine," I'd relply. What I really thought was, "I wish you'd leave me alone because I feel terrible and want to cry." I'm a terrible liar, so it was a change of pace for them to believe me. I was surprised that they did. Believe me, that is. "Are you done?" they'd ask. "Yup," I'd say. What they didn't see going through my head was, "Yup, I'm done. I dumped most of it down the sink while you weren't looking." I didn't say a lot of things. Of course, I'd never tell any of "those people" that now, because if I were to ever go back...(shudders).
I'm not the type to get a thrill from lying, never liked it much or respected anyone who did it. I think, at the time, I did it all in the name of self-preservation. But then I have to ask myself, would it really have been so bad if I'd have been honest? Would it really have cost so much? Why was I so afraid? Why was I so freaking defensive over something so completely STUPID!? What was it that I thought I would save, or fix, or hide? I think I felt like I had to do it, like it was the only way out. Perhaps I didn't want to be there, didn't want to do what they were making me do. Maybe I didn't want to be stuck with people who would forget your name a week after they met you. I missed my dog. I lied for a lot of reasons, I guess.
I'm not completely sure why I'm writing any of this story down. I'm not known to be an exhibitionist, or an attention-grabber, and none of this was written for that purpose. If anything, I keep to myself, which makes this that much harder to write. Perhaps it's for posterity's sake. Or maybe it's just that I needed to get it out and off my chest, as it had never before been released. It's not meant to incite, or provoke, or sensationalize. It's just something that happened in the past, an event whose outcomes could have been numerous and impactful in a lot of ways. I really do question what things would have been like had I played my cards differently, or had different cards, or just plain played a different game. This is just me sorting it all out, laying it out to gain a better look at all these jumbled thoughts.
Wow. It really is late. Has anyone else noticed that this thing's clock is off? It really bugs the obsessive-compulsive side of me - which unfortunately happens to be most of me. Darn. Anyway, I'm done ranting. Not that anyone is up right now - other than me.
posted by Breanne at 12:18 AM
5 Comments:
you should've be honest. if you want to get better, you're going to have to stop lying to everyone. it's good than you're being honest to yourself and you can recognize it. that's a step; it is, but there's more to it. don't be hypocritical and say you want to be normal and then don't take the chances that are offered to it. you were "there" for a reason.
Oh I totally get what you're saying Jam, but I was saying that yes, I may have not made the right choices, but I'm not blaming them for that. I'm not saying that I wish I was normal or anything, I'm just wondering what might have been different had I done things differently.
well, hopefully you've learnt from the mistakes that you've made. in the end, all everyone wants is for you to get better.
I think that anything could turn out differently if we had made different choices. So I don't think we should spend a lot of time wondering what would have happened. "No one is ever told what would have happened." -Aslan
So we are like we are now, which I think is a dang good way to be.
mmm. very interesting. I have to agree with you. It's just that that's what I found myself thinkin' about, and that's it. Just thoughts, is all.
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