Darn. Decisions, decisions...

It's become increasingly, painfully clear to me of late that university is not going to work if I stay the way I am. I'm sure my Mom considers this revelation a miracle, which is ok. Perhaps it is a huge realization, revelation, epiphany, or what ever you want to call it, but I think it's a logical progression. In grade 12 one naturally is trying to figure out what they're going to do with their lives once they graduate. I for one have been seriously thinking about post-secondary. I know I want to go. I know I will go. It's all terribly exciting. Except, when you are considering everything, all the ramifications of your decisions and your life, you (I) might start to wonder if any of this is actually going to work. For instance, you may look at how you are now. You realize you suck. Then you realize that if you're barely functioning now, if you're just hanging on and really can't do much, can't focus, and are following a whole 1/3 of "the plan," you aren't going to fare much better in university. If anything, it will be worse, with you not solving anything and flunking out and winding up in the looney bin or something. You might start to get a little hysterical, seeing as how, really, you might not graduate because you can't focus and prefer to teeter back and forth and scare the shit out of your parents. Not that you like scaring them, it just comes with the package. Because of this mess you've made, you feel screwed. You really do want to go to school, get a degree, have a job and an apartment, but right now you might just keep screwing it up. You're starting to think that you might actually have to make a decision. You don't really want to give this up, but you know there's a serious possiblity you're not going to survive college if you don't - so it is by default that you start considering, seriously, the fact that you might have to do something about this. Yes, this will scare the shit out of you, but either way, you suck right now, and so maybe it would be good to do something drastic in a last ditch effort to actually do something positive, if only for the sake of your education.

Argh. I really don't like default decisions. Not that I've made any. Yet. But I am thinking about it. After January exams, maybe. I could still, afterward and with a lot of hard work, graduate. I sure as hell will try. Maybe I'll have more focus, and so it'll be ok. I don't know.
Just ponderings...

I'm not really sure where or if this will go anywhere, I'm not even sure my parents will go for it. They'd proposed I go earlier, or maybe in July, but who knows where they stand now.

Feeling Really Old but My Boobs Aren't Sagging Yet, So That's Probably A GOOD Sign, Right?

I feel a million years old right now. I know I'm only 17 (almost 18), but man do I feel old. I think this past year has aged me considerably. When you think about it, there's been a lot of drama, a lot of trauma, a lot of everything. There's been loss (r.i.p Shay). There were a few good things, like Tippy, getting my nose pierced, having some good movie nights, and laughing with friends until I almost peed in Allison's truck. Aside from that, there's also been a lot of crap. Some of it was caused by me. As if the high school experience isn't crazy enough, as if it isn't grand epic enough for a girl, I decided to be stupid and spice things up even more. For instance, I peppered it with a nice blend of blind runs into walls. What fun. I also logged some hours in waiting rooms, and in hospitals, and in anti-septic smelling offices with strange tools and cold beds. I added in a touch of blantant disregard for the laws of biology and physical human limits of the body. Yes, as if high school isn't crazy enough, I fucked things up even more. What an over-achiever, a real go-getter, someone the parents can really be proud of! As you can see, I did not get rid of my sarcasm through all of this year. If you don't have any, you should try it, it's fun, especially when answering medical questions asked by nurses who have none. Speaking of nurses, have you noticed that the crappy ones are the ones who do horrible things to their hair and dye it colours not found in nature? If you ever have a chance to observe this unfortunate phenomenon, do it, because it's TRUE! I swear to God.

I saw another whitecoat this past week. It was not as eventful as past enounters, which, I think, is a good thing. I still felt like I'd aged when I came out of that office though. Although most of it was a blur, I do remember one thing. She asked me a weird question. "Why don't your parents come with you?" - this takes place in RUH, just to clarify. First of all, how would you like your parents coming in with you, like you were 5 years old or something? Personally, I try to avoid doctor-me-parent triangles like the plague, as these tend to make me want to jump out the window. Also, my parents are nuts, so I do not believe their presence would be particularly helpful - unless their purpose is to make me break out in hives, which has been done. Not even joking, guys! It happened. I broke out in hives. I'm allergic to interacting with my family. Ha ha that's sad.
Secondly, whatever the doctor would say would go in one ear and out the other because my parents don't really care, beyond covering their own asses. Actually, that's only partly true: my mom's pretty good; my dad's the asshole. I say that without apology. Also, as stated in a previous tangent, my parents are chronic quitters.
Mostly though, we just never thought about it. I dunno why. I guess we're all stupid. Pretty sure though that I wouldn't let them in anyway.
The whitecoat stressed the importance of "family" in "recovery" and a lot of other bull that made me crave the anonymity of cities even more than before.

While that affair, and the last month, have been freakishly depressing, I did have a bit of a bright spot today. We went Ssssshhhhopping. Woot woot. I found two more pairs of pants. Yay for finding stuff that's a positive addition to my closet. Oh, also, Friday night I bought a sweet pair of shoes from Winners. Yup, my closet life is looking a little brighter, if not hotter. Luv it. Ohh, there was also this really cute dress in Le Chateau that I might have to try on next time. I was thinking it would be for banquet, but I don't want to go to banquet, so I don't know where the hell I'd wear it, but oh well. Anyway...