Darn. Decisions, decisions...

It's become increasingly, painfully clear to me of late that university is not going to work if I stay the way I am. I'm sure my Mom considers this revelation a miracle, which is ok. Perhaps it is a huge realization, revelation, epiphany, or what ever you want to call it, but I think it's a logical progression. In grade 12 one naturally is trying to figure out what they're going to do with their lives once they graduate. I for one have been seriously thinking about post-secondary. I know I want to go. I know I will go. It's all terribly exciting. Except, when you are considering everything, all the ramifications of your decisions and your life, you (I) might start to wonder if any of this is actually going to work. For instance, you may look at how you are now. You realize you suck. Then you realize that if you're barely functioning now, if you're just hanging on and really can't do much, can't focus, and are following a whole 1/3 of "the plan," you aren't going to fare much better in university. If anything, it will be worse, with you not solving anything and flunking out and winding up in the looney bin or something. You might start to get a little hysterical, seeing as how, really, you might not graduate because you can't focus and prefer to teeter back and forth and scare the shit out of your parents. Not that you like scaring them, it just comes with the package. Because of this mess you've made, you feel screwed. You really do want to go to school, get a degree, have a job and an apartment, but right now you might just keep screwing it up. You're starting to think that you might actually have to make a decision. You don't really want to give this up, but you know there's a serious possiblity you're not going to survive college if you don't - so it is by default that you start considering, seriously, the fact that you might have to do something about this. Yes, this will scare the shit out of you, but either way, you suck right now, and so maybe it would be good to do something drastic in a last ditch effort to actually do something positive, if only for the sake of your education.

Argh. I really don't like default decisions. Not that I've made any. Yet. But I am thinking about it. After January exams, maybe. I could still, afterward and with a lot of hard work, graduate. I sure as hell will try. Maybe I'll have more focus, and so it'll be ok. I don't know.
Just ponderings...

I'm not really sure where or if this will go anywhere, I'm not even sure my parents will go for it. They'd proposed I go earlier, or maybe in July, but who knows where they stand now.