Argh.

I wish I could fully hate you. It pisses me off that you still have any effect on me. I hate that you get to me. I hate that in one fell swoop you can make me feel so much rage in so little space. You make me feel claustrophobic. You make my mouth go dry and it's hard to swallow. As much as I try to avoid you, as much as I try to harden, you always pop up, try to crack me. Why do you try so freaking hard? It's a lost battle. Please just leave me alone, because you seem to be the most oblivious person on earth when it comes to reading people. Your time is up, expired. You've missed the damn boat and I'm not about to turn it around for you. I will, however, happily wave goodbye from the back of the boat with a smile, a final fuck-you. Don't get me wrong - I hate you plenty. The way you smile, chew, walk, yell, slurp, have no idea how loud you are, talk, snore, think, act like a two-year old, never listen, think you're always right (even though you're a guy, so that automatically makes you incorrect most of the time), interrupt, start wars but claim no participation, never once have said you're sorry, shoot down anything that is not of your invention - just to name a few. I hate that you blame me, berate me, see me as something you wish you could erase because I remind you of someone else you hate. I hate how you try to make me choose sides, when I'm too tired and don't want anyone to fight. Why do you continue to believe that everything falls on me? How can I possibly be the cause of all your problems? I'm not the singular symptom you need to medicate. You wonder where the hell I got to be so stubborn - it's not surprising that it comes from you... I think distance would be good between us. What is that saying about fences making the best neighbors? Something like that would be great. I guess that's what I've been attempting for quite a while - a fence, a wall, a boundary. But no wonder you won't leave me alone - you've never been one for boundaries. It's crazy because you have no sense of boundary, and you can be both completely checked-out and invasive at the same time. You have skills.

Flavour of the Week: A Pretty Good Day for the Antisocialist.

Good Times, guys. Good times.

While Sitting in Chianti's:

Allison to Jess in a low voice: "She digs you."

Jess, trying to eat noodles but sucking at it: "Did you see that?"
Allison, Leah, Breanne: "No."
Jess: "Oh good."

While Sitting in Starbucks:

Allison: "Let's go find a guy to put in my truck!"

Breanne, upon hearing of her friends' stalking tendencies: "I feel so NORMAL!!"

Allison: "I wanna know what that guy's reading!"
Jess or Leah: "I bet it's EROTICA!!!
Everyone: "Ohhh!"

While Sitting at Leah's Kitchen Table:

Allison: "Did you just say 'a mouth full of mouth'?!"
Breanne: "YOU WISH!!!"
Leah: "OHHH!"

While Sitting in Allison's Truck:

Breanne: "My sister's STUPID (laughs) - Oh CRAP!" (starts laughing uncontrollably)
Allison, Leah, Jess: (laughing) "What??"
Breanne: "I ALMOST PEED MY PAAAAANNNNTTTTTTSSSSSSS!"
Everyone: "Bah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Allison: "Um, ok maybe we should find Breanne a bathroom."

While Watching John Tucker Must Die:

Breanne: "Hey Leah - it's your skinny guy!"

Breanne, laughing: "Allison, stop LAUGHING!"

Leah: "I did that in Chemistry once."
Jess: "With who???"
Leah: "Mr. Barisow."
Jess, Breanne, Allison: "Bah ha!"

During the long days of a long summer, you have a lot of time in which to think about things, to chew over things of the past, present, or future.

I keep thinking about how things were when I was in "There." It's amazing how hindsight is 20/20. I keep wondering about whether it would have made a difference if I'd have told the truth and been honest. Would they have treated me differently? Kept me there longer? Would I have turned out differently?
For all their poking and prodding, observing, asking of completely stupid questions, and shining flashlights in your face in the middle of the night to see that you're still breathing, it was surprisingly easy to fly under their radar. Though I wouldn't recommend it as it is a really stupid thing to do.
I lied a lot in there. "How are you?" they'd ask. "Fine," I'd relply. What I really thought was, "I wish you'd leave me alone because I feel terrible and want to cry." I'm a terrible liar, so it was a change of pace for them to believe me. I was surprised that they did. Believe me, that is. "Are you done?" they'd ask. "Yup," I'd say. What they didn't see going through my head was, "Yup, I'm done. I dumped most of it down the sink while you weren't looking." I didn't say a lot of things. Of course, I'd never tell any of "those people" that now, because if I were to ever go back...(shudders).
I'm not the type to get a thrill from lying, never liked it much or respected anyone who did it. I think, at the time, I did it all in the name of self-preservation. But then I have to ask myself, would it really have been so bad if I'd have been honest? Would it really have cost so much? Why was I so afraid? Why was I so freaking defensive over something so completely STUPID!? What was it that I thought I would save, or fix, or hide? I think I felt like I had to do it, like it was the only way out. Perhaps I didn't want to be there, didn't want to do what they were making me do. Maybe I didn't want to be stuck with people who would forget your name a week after they met you. I missed my dog. I lied for a lot of reasons, I guess.
I'm not completely sure why I'm writing any of this story down. I'm not known to be an exhibitionist, or an attention-grabber, and none of this was written for that purpose. If anything, I keep to myself, which makes this that much harder to write. Perhaps it's for posterity's sake. Or maybe it's just that I needed to get it out and off my chest, as it had never before been released. It's not meant to incite, or provoke, or sensationalize. It's just something that happened in the past, an event whose outcomes could have been numerous and impactful in a lot of ways. I really do question what things would have been like had I played my cards differently, or had different cards, or just plain played a different game. This is just me sorting it all out, laying it out to gain a better look at all these jumbled thoughts.

Wow. It really is late. Has anyone else noticed that this thing's clock is off? It really bugs the obsessive-compulsive side of me - which unfortunately happens to be most of me. Darn. Anyway, I'm done ranting. Not that anyone is up right now - other than me.

Went out for a long walk after midnight. It was really foggy and yet I could still see the stars, which were amazing. Cool air and stars often bring one to ponder their life and where it's going, their relationships, and all the things in between.
I wish I hadn't come up empty.
All that pondering, pleading, praying, and I still feel cold and confused. Hoping hard that things will work out soon before I lose it.