I HATE THIS

I figured out today that no one is really going to kick my ass if I deviate. This is a dangerous sort of discovery. It would have been much, much better for the 'rents if I was still under the impression that I would get my ass kicked if I didn't follow the "plan". Uh oh. That story's blown and now my mind has time to wander...this is not good. I know that I can't go see Rachel on Thursday if I don't do certain things, but...I could do a lot less of those certain things...and I wouldn't feel so sick all the time, and technically I'd still be doing what the whitecoats and my parents want, I'd just trim it a little...

I can't do this plan. I don't think I'm supposed to feel this terrible. Oh God I want to go back so bad. There's not a whole lot of difference, physically, between now and before - I'm still cold, nails still blue, heart still malfunctioning, body still tired. I shouldn't feel this terrible. I feel dooped, fooled, tricked. They shouldn't have forced me to do so much in so little time. Now I feel like I've overstepped the limit, taken too much, even though it's not even half of what I'd be doing if I were in the hospital. It just all feels so wrong and I can't stop crying and I hate when I cry and I just want to hide under a rock and read a book and be by myself and not have to look down into another bowl of steaming hot hell. I'm sure I can make mom understand...If they push too hard, I stand still, I freeze up, stitch my mouth closed and bam! fall over because it's all just too much at once.

I just have to remind myself every other minute that I can't go anywhere if I majorly fuck this up within the next few days. I will make some changes to the "plan", but I still have to perform on some small level, so I guess I'll just wait it out until Thursday - when I can breathe. I can't just stop completely short otherwise I really will be in deep shit once again. I would apologize for my language, but as I find it extremely therapeutic to swear, I shall refrain from saying sorry.


"Wander This World" - Jonny Lang

...I walked 20 miles and I'm dragging my feet
And I'll walk 20 more, I don't care

And I'll wander this world, wander this world
Wander this world, wander this world all alone

...Well I've never been part of the game
the life that I live is my own
All that I know is that I was born
To wander this world all alone, all alone...

Sometimes it's like I don't even exist
Even God has lost track of my soul
Why else would he leave me out here like this
To wander this world all alone

And I'll wander this world, wander this world
Wander this world, wander this world all alone

And I'll wander this world, wander this world
Wander this world, wander this world all alone...


Ah blues music, the kind that makes your soul ache. Gotta love it. Also, it doesn't hurt when the guy singing and playing blues guitar is extremely good looking....mmmm. Steamy.

there may be something to this whole venting business...