One trippy rollercoaster ride

Things are different yet again. They're different, and yet still sort of feel the same. Maybe this is just another layer that's been added to this freakin' weird ride.
The goon squad has regrouped, come up with a new plan, a new tactic, a new trick. They've discovered that old tactics don't really work, are rather ineffective, and may in fact cause one to sink even deeper in shit. Which, by the way, is not their intention.
Interesting how both sides will flop when one way doesn't work. Upon detection, I switched things up. Upon detecting, the goon squad also switched things up.

Since my last post I've discovered that although I believed they would no longer be waiting to kick my ass if I deviated, I was incorrect. I deviated, and was kicked. Sort of. I am under what you could call "maintenance watch". Basically, I can't screw up yet. Apparently, the threat of hospitalization has not completely dissipated yet. I don't really understand. Ok, so this sucks hardcore for me and I don't particularly enjoy any of it at all, and I wish I could just quit (quit, being highly ambiguous) but argh... I still don't get it. Apparently, there's still cause for concern, or rather, I'm still cause for concern. I think all of this is stupid. I just want to go back to before. I liked things a lot better before. They say I'm, "still not safe," they still need to make sure I'm doing okay. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I understand, to a limited extent, why they feel this is important, but it seems a little pointless.

Maybe this ticks me off so much simply because I've forgotten how to do what I'm "supposed" to do, you know? If you go long enough, you forget these things. You hate these things. You wish to run away from these things. And you cry when you realize all of this and see how utterly pathetic it is. Still, it's hard to regroup, convince yourself that what they're asking isn't really so bad. They're the adults, right? They should know what they're talking about, right? I don't even know anymore. I don't even know if this makes sense to anyone else but me.

Maybe I'm just supremely pissy because I feel like I'm losing. I hate losing. I'm competitive, when interested. I'm incredibly stubborn, and I feel like they're trying to bend and manipulate me. I feel broken down, but not in a good way, like where you feel broken and spent and then you feel better; repent of your sins. Nope. This is like, I feel broken and feel like diving right back into the freakin' pit because it's what I know how to do. I'm pretty sure now that I'm not making any sense to anyone else. For that I apologize.
I think they want me to feel this way so I will "turn myself around and be good," but once again, their tactics have failed.

I'm now bound, until next week Monday, to another contract. What fun. If I sound happy, you are not a good judge of sarcasm. You need help with that, for it's terribly sad... Anyway, yes, another week of contracts I hate but will follow if that means my parents will go away for the weekend and i get to dance in my underwear and t-shirt. I am a little wary of the fact that they sort of tricked me last time; I will step lightly. I guess the "plans" are part of "maintenance watch" - ha ha, that, and mom's frenzied emails when she freaks out, which is often. I'm a terrible person.

By the way, Manitoba was great - my nephew's awesome and so little! We had a good time hanging out, and the kid can burp - he's definitely related to me. Makes me proud. I wish I could have stayed longer, but oh well. Maybe I'll go back after Christmas or something. I like being there. Yes, a lot of bad Saskatchewan jokes were made, but I can handle that. I found that "yeah, well, your mom!" worked pretty well as a retort.

So tired and not looking forward to school but what can you do. Darn. At least I only have a couple classes tomorrow, which makes it more manageable. I wonder what Mr. Millette will do next. Argh.