Oh, Catatonia

That's sort of how I feel - catatonic. Immobile. Stuck. Non functioning. I hate this. This seems to be a running theme of mine.

When stuck, one tries to go forward. When that doesn't work, we reverse, hoping this will get us out of the rut we've found ourselves in. One should, really, consider the rut - maybe it's actually where they're "supposed" to be. In fact, maybe you've been told you should keep thriving in the rut, that it is good for you, that you should even make improvements and expand your rut, that it's not a rut at all. I personally think they are full of it. I for one, have tried going forward, found I hate it, and so have gone in reverse. Reverse is so much more appealing. So much more seductive. Enticing. Reverse is also code for deviation - something that they don't particularly encourage. While on maintenance watch, they will ask how it's going. I will tell them. High risk of relapse still, they say. I'm slipping, they say. I feel fine, I say. Now the tables have turned because it seems I'm the one who's full of shit. I tell them I can't follow this plan - it's too much, it's unhealthy, I feel bad and I hate it. I've cut the plan back. Deviated. No ass kicking yet, which makes it all the more tempting. I'm a terrible person. I just feel like I can't do what they want. I feel down. Fell down. I hate tripping over ruts. Stupid, stupid "ruts".

On a good note, I'm definitely looking forward to shopping with Jam - and Jessia - on Thursday. Shopping is always a good pick-me-up. And so is Jessia, which is why if you don't come, Jessia, we'll cut you.